A High Note

I'm ending my preparation for tomorrow's Calc test on a high note: I got a homework problem right, and I only had to look at the answer in the back of the book once. A mighty success!

I thought I was taking Calc and Lin Alg (which seems like a collection of fun math puzzles by comparison to Calc) to prepare for grad school. As grad school looks like it might not happen (50% of precincts reporting), the sense of meaningless of math (which I don't need to graduate from NU) and of school in general is tough to combat. But God showed me just now - after a day that ranks among the very worst in my life - that the real reason was for me to build character. Actually, that's a bit inaccurate. It's to tear down my character. I'm accustomed to success, and you don't realize when you are successful and happy that your happiness is dependent on your success. The book of Job talks about a man who had to reevaluate whether his faith in God was based in God's character or in his own material wellbeing. My experience echoes that in some regards - God is humbling me and stripping me of things I cling to for support and comfort - success (both on a long term and a math-homework scale), plans, hopes. I've seen a lot less of those recently, right when the world is supposed to be unfolding before me.

Unlike Job, my reaction hasn't been to say, "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord". It's more along the lines of getting wicked pissy, railing against my profs, being even more high-strung than normal, looking for escape mechanisms (SimCity4...I love that game), and becoming depressed. I could use a lot of things - self-control, perspective, responsibility, humility. The only thing I think I'll get any time soon is a few hours sleep before this killer test. Blech.