InstantExpert: Beer

InstantReplay thinks everybody should be an expert in everything. Failing that, you should at least be able to pretend you know everything. So in advance of the Fourth of July weekend, here's the InstantExpert's guide to talking about beer as if you actually know it.

First, attitude. When talking about beer, the key is to appear as though you know everything without appearing too interested. Cultivate an informed bored detachment, and change the subject shortly after scoring whatever "I look smart" points you need to score. This not only protects you from potentially destructive follow-up questions, but it also elevates you from a rather unphilosophical (and thus image-unfriendly) topic.

Second, beer basics. Ask Yahoo summarizes the basic types of beer neatly:

• Ale - made with a top fermenting yeast, ales are described as "hearty, robust, and fruity."
• Bitter - a mainstay in English pubs, this golden-brown draft ale is top-fermented, hoppy, dry, and lightly carbonated.
• Lager - made with a bottom fermenting yeast, lagers are characteristically "smooth, elegant, crisp, and clean." Comparable to pilsener.
• Stout - typically dark, heavy, and richly flavored, stout is "top-fermented beer made from pale malt, roasted unmalted barley, and often caramel malt."

Beers in a Box explains the brewing process, and the distinction between top- and bottom-fermentation, but you don't need to know that to look smart. Just remember that lager is fermented and aged at cooler temperatures than other beers, which is why it ferments at the bottom.

Third, pouring. Buy a twelve-pack of Schlitts and practice until you can fit the entire beer into a glass no bigger than the can without a drop of spillage. This is a crucial skill, because in four out of five beer-related situations, your only opportunity to show off your aley knowledge will be the pour. Not unrelated to pouring is warmth: beer should be served below room temperature, but above fridge temperature. Before serving a good beer, allow it to warm up just a bit to bring out its flavor.

Fourth, selection. Beer isn't ice cream, and having a "favorite flavor" will utterly ruin your connoisseur image. Click here for the 2004 International Beer Competition winners (in .pdf), if you want to taste (or just name-drop) some champs. Rubbing shoulders with the Belgian and English heavyweights is Boston's own Samuel Adams, which snagged golds with its SA Light and SA Winter Lager in the "lagers up to 4.2%" and "seasonal beers" categories. In general, it's safe to take whatever beer is local at your place of purchase, especially if you are travelling or if the bar brews its own. This is both slightly patronizing and a way to snag a bottle that hasn't been transported over land and sea. A study of the American macrobrew industry reveals that the conquest of the market by the so-called luxury beers (like Budweiser!) in the 1960's was accomplished not by transporting beer to new markets, but by opening new breweries there.

Fifth, handling. From the NYTimes article that inspired this post:

As in every tasting of beer and ale, the biggest problem we encountered was with freshness. Mr. Carroll expressed shock at the number of ales that showed signs of damage from exposure to high heat or direct light. For all the he-man, macho attributes foisted on beer by marketing, it is surprisingly fragile and needs to be handled delicately. That means it needs to be refrigerated as much as possible and protected from direct light. Mr. Sullivan suggested that if you are selecting beer from one of those perpetually lighted coolers, choose bottles from the back, where they are at least partly protected.

To store beer, just be careful not to change its temperature. If you refrigerate it (or buy it chilled), do not warm it up again. Better yet, store it in a cooler in your basement until you need to chill it for drinking.

More tips can be found at Beer Advocate, which has a huge section of "beer education", where you can hone your expertise. In particular, learn to match beers and cheeses. The general principle (much like with wine-matching) is that the stronger the cheese, the stronger the beer.

Last, but most importantly, taste your beer. From Beer Advocate:

Now sip the beer. Resist swallowing immediately. Let it wander and explore your entire palate. Let your taste buds speak. Note the mouthfeel, the consistency of the liquid's body, and breathe out during the process of tasting. This process of exhaling is called "retro-olfaction" and will release retained stimulations at the mucus and mouthfeel level, but at a higher temperature. At times this will be the same as the olfactory process if not different and complimentary. Try to detect any sweetness, salty flavors, acids and general bitterness. Explain what they are, or what they are similar to.

Describe a beer at your peril. It is the foremost temptation of the budding faux expert to run at the mouth using words like "fruity" and "hops". But there are those with better taste buds and more beer experience. As Realbeer.com points out, what you think is a fancy foreign brew may simply be skunked beer. Instead, describe conservatively and only say what you really do taste. Here's the judges' description of Sammy Light from the 2004 IBC:

Bittersweet, toasted malt is the main feature, with hops subdued except for a perfumed, floral note, but the judges considered this a clean and very drinkable beer.

So have a good Fourth of July drink this weekend, and if anyone asks you how you know so much about beer, just tell them your learned it drinking with me.