Dressing Up

"I'm not weird, am I?" said a 40-something-year-old mother of 10, who is perfectly normal, as homeschooling mothers go, aside from her kids. Having 10 kids is pretty remarkable in Massachusetts, but her husband makes a bundle, and comfortably supports his clan, so it's not weird in that way. But what is weird is her eldest daughter, or at least, that's what she fears. The 17-year old is not smoking pot, drinking on the sly, or going Goth. She's wearing dresses. Only. I mean, she wears shoes and shirts and stuff too, but she has basically decided to never again wear pants. Yeah.

I don't know what I'm going to say to her. She doesn't know or understand any guys well besides her brothers. And I'm probably her closest (only?) guy friend, so I think I oughta say something.

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. I talked to her very briefly in person, mostly listening, and she gave me the quicky explanation and offered to explain in detail later. She knew that her quicky explanation didn't do justice to the subject, and said as much. She also mentioned that she originally had planned to wait until leaving for college (she'll go to college in a year or two, I think) because she's not looking forward to dealing with the flak from her family. Since she doesn't really have friends outside the church, and coming to church in a dress isn't unordinary, they won't be much of an issue. Anyway, the quicky explanation was that it wasn't just modesty, but a combination of things. The foundation of the idea is her interpretation of Biblical womanhood. I won't put words in her mouth, but the idea seems pretty clear: humility, willingness to stay at home, non-dating, probably non-courting, etc. She doesn't just emphasize the feminine side of Biblical personhood, but also spends reportedly long periods of time daily in prayer and reading scripture, which by my count is certainly a virtue, and a virtue which I lack.

I want to be slow to judge and quick to listen, but I can safely say that I took much longer than any of the others who know her to come to a conclusion, and I'm not completely there yet. One of the first positive statements I made on the matter - not to her - was that she is either right or wrong, and mainstream Christianity and her cannot both be right (though they could both be wrong). While there is not one single type of Biblical womanhood in a given culture, I would say there is a limited range. Before you fly off the handlebars let me clarify: anyone with any lifestyle can be a Christian. However, if that lifestyle is in rebellion to God and is not moving towards repentance and obedience, then Christ is not truly that person's Lord. E.g. Jesus reached out to prostitutes and corrupt officials without condition. However, to follow Jesus, you have to give up everything, as the Rich Young Ruler (who lived a respectable life) found out to his chagrin. So, the "range of Biblical wo/manhood" is optimal and should be sought, but is not mandatory for salvation or church membership or anything. And I just don't think that range is wide enough to hold both mainstream evangelical Christianity and this girl.

Now, I certainly think that mainstream men and women tend toward the liberal extreme of that range if indeed they are within it - I see many Christian girls wearing clothing that is designed to be sexually appealing, and while I have nothing against good looks or stylish dress the Bible is clear on modesty as a principle of dress. Oddly enough, the whole head-covering thing doesn't get into this argument, which is kind of nice for a change, as that is a very old and boring argument. But my friend is taking it farther than modesty - she's limiting herself in what she can physically do, and in social settings. In the former, not only has she consciously given up swimming, sports, skiing, and other pastimes, she has perhaps less consciously limited her ability to do physical labor, run, use a bike for transportation, and lots of little things. Basically it's like wearing ornamental clothes all the time, never practical ones. I would be cautious about letting piety get in the way of life: God uses many means, and limiting Him without His approval is unadvisable. I know that sounds nitpicky, but remember that just as the dress-only policy is a microcosm of her wider view of womanhood, the limits arising from wearing dresses are only a small part of the limits arising from the big picture: she's taking herself out of many opportunities that have been opened to women in the last 100 years (and specifically mentioned that time frame making a reverse argument), and returning essentially to a 19th century way of life, where women avoid contact with unrelated men and have few occupations open to them. Not to say that being a stay-home Mom or a kindergarten teacher is wrong, but those options are always open; burning bridges now could make integration into America difficult if she has an epiphany down the road.

If I knew the details of other factors besides modesty I could discuss them, but I don't so I can't. I know this whole post was chaotic, but putting thoughts into writing helps me organize the thoughts, so next time I write or speak on the subject I'll be a lot better, hopefully.

Before I close, i should add a postscript. I've been cognizant of, if not acting on, the fact that I probably have more to learn from her than she does from me. If I never talk to her about this, or express an opinion, it could still be a very profitable exchange. In fact, this is as close to the classic plank-in-my-eye-speck-in-yours situation as I've ever been. Perhaps her holistic approach is a bit too zealous; my walk is far too incomplete, and I know it. Maybe when I'm praying an hour a day, never utter an insult, actively avoid crude humor, and serve quietly and frequently (as she does), I can come back to this. More likely, and hopefully, she'll work this out on her own without my "help."

There, see how much you can learn by writing? If nobody ever reads this, I'll have been greatly benefited alone - I came to the conclusions as I wrote them. However, if anybody does read this, I would be interested in what they think of either my situation as a plankeyed friend or hers as a probably overzealous conservative.