Advice Column

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Dear Dr. Replay,
I am a senior member of the Hamas decision-making council. We've been engaging in suicide bombings regularly for seven years, and while it's very effective at preventing peace agreements, we've worked out that if we kill 200 Israelis a year (assuming zero population growth), it'll take 25,000 years to kill them off. Granted that's a little pessimistic, but we were hoping to cause massive emigration due to fear, and it hasn't happened. Any way we could get this done before the end of the world, and ideally before Sharon kills us all one by one?
- Frustrated and Bloody in Gaza

Dear Frustrated and Bloody,
I agree that 25,000 years is a long time. And while I don't agree with your goals, I'm just paid to give advice, not make value judgments. I'd say that you'd do best for now to stop the suicide bombings. The current Israeli government would collapse without you as a foil. No terror would force them to negotiate with the PLO, and those two would both bring each other down in negotiations because neither is prepared to give much up, so they'd collapse under the weight of international expectations. As soon as Labor got in place, you could reevaluate. Also, keep an eye on the Russians. They should be having a sale on nukes soon, and if you all put your piggybanks together you might get one big enough to level Petah Tikvah or something. Not that you would, but you could. And that's what you need to do - use threats, not violence. Having a reputation of disregard for human life helps you in that respect. Anyway, I don't support y'all, but I have to say I'm somewhat sympathetic. What's a suicide bomber to do when the enemy can hit back harder without having to even give his own life up??
- Dr. Replay