No Pain, No Gain

How do I say this? Can I express what it's like without resorting to cliches? Doubtful. It's the deep insecurity of feeling that no-one really wants you as a person, that you are what you do, and no more. The insecurity that what you're pouring hour after hour into isn't going to result in a single long-term friendship. The insecurity that people who you value highly don't reciprocate (particularly certain motos). It's coming home and feeling like you just wasted an evening and your life. The Bible calls it "reproach" - a social shame or stigma. It's the reproach of being a single guy in a dating world. Having people pity you, and say, "Aw, I'm sorry". It's that lonely combination of high standards and low social intelligence. It's being on the outside, and being everyone's pal but nobody's friend. It's not really that bad, but it can feel that way sometimes. It's knowing that you've layed the weight of your trust on something that was never intended to hold it.

It's breaking down completely in a comfy chair. It's feeling so empty before God that you know deep down that only a miracle can fill you. It's Him listening to everything you have to say; echoes of Job, echoes of David, echoes of Jeremiah, echoes of every man. It's Him gently quieting your voice, and telling you to listen. It's Him saying that those who have no one have the Lord. It's a giant elevator, falling, with jumbled views of all of mankind, all busy in their busyness. It's finding that while none of that is for me, the Very Best awaits me at the bottom.

I told God this summer that I didn't know what love is. Here's to the hope that this lesson includes some positives as well. Keep me in prayer, and leave a comment.