The Yankslayer

He was not known for his aim, nor for his quick draw, nor even for the excellence of his trusty musket (which honestly never deserved the adjective "excellent"). His young days were spent in Texas, dueling with comers from all parts of the country, and not doing particularly well in those duels. He did however, have one secret weapon, a silver bullet. This ammunition didn't seem to work any differently than lead when applied to most people. However, anyone versed in the most basic lore of the land knows that a silver bullet is the only thing that can stop werewolves.

Miles across the prairie lay a remarkable but oppressed town, known to all and sundry as "the Hub of the Universe." The posse in the Hub had a feud with a particular ring of bandits, and had failed to soundly defeat them in 84 years. However, the Yankslayer had had particular success in the past against this corrupt ring, who were rumored to be werewolves. In fact, everytime they came to the Hub, the horrified residents would run to their large green fortress, and chant that the enemy sucked blood, a chant later shortened to just say that they suck. Not only did they suck, but when they bit a member of the Hub's posse that member would become a werewolf like them, and leave the Hub for the ring's run-down base down at the Big Rotten Apple. Thus was the Hub robbed of such redoubtable gunslingers as "the Babe" and "the Rocket."

It was with all this in mind that the Yankslayer was summoned to the Hub, in exchange for a trigger-happy buffalo soldier. The Yankslayer was an ignominous part of one small scuffle last week, not immediately endearing himself to the town. However, in their first encounter with the True Enemy, the Yankslayerbrought out his silver bullet and outgunned the enemy Duke. Now a hero, his gun will (or at least should) be reserved for facing the Yankees. Darren Oliver, the Yankslayer, is now 6-1 lifetime against the Evil Empire despite his 5.03 ERA. IMHO, he can platoon with ace Pedro Martinez, who is 0-5 in his last 5 decisions against the Yankees.


Out of curiosity, I calculated out the amount of person-hours spent watching a single Red Sox game, counting only those fans in the ballpark. It comes out to a bit over 12 years!