Girl Policy Update: Six Steps to Losing A Good Friend

OK, I've been too reticent to write one of these in the wake of a somewhat painful failed friendship this summer, and I'll try not to put a lot of details on the 'net, but there are a few principles that bear adding to the venerable Girl Policy (begun 7/29/02, updated 5/01/03).

As some of you know, I had a non-dating friendship with a very pleasant young lady this Spring, a friendship that we both invested heavily in time-wise, but we kept free of emotional baggage or co-dependency. It was almost precisely what I wanted it to be - we were getting to know one another as friends, we had the very real pleasure of a growing friendship, and we were both committed to the courtship system. Unfortunately, mostly through my stupidity, that blew up in our faces when we attempted (and largely failed) to have a conversation about "us". It was a model of miscommunication, and really exacerbated the underlying problems.

Due to that exacerbation, the incident has really scarred our friendship. There's no chance (or desire) of getting back to where we were. However, even a normal cordiality has been elusive, because, I think, both of us feel betrayed. The lesson I've learned is not "how to get the girl" - in this instance her mind was made up & I was fine with that. Rather, the lesson is "how not to lose the friend". Well, I guess I can't really say that either - I don't know if this works; it's an untested theory. So this is an object lesson in "How to lose your friends." Don't try this without adult supervision. A caveat: not all of this actually happened - I didn't do everything wrong.

The first step to losing a female friend (and yes, this is addressed to guys. Sorry ladies, but any advice you get from me is highly suspect) is to be confused. The less you understand the relationship yourself, the more you'll be able to confuse and confuddle her, which prepares her to become pissed and bitter at you.

The second step is to get bad advice. This article would be a good place to start.

Third, psych yourself out. Make sure you have nothing to do for a whole week beforehand, so you can totally and utterly outthink yourself and make the conversation you're going to have way more important in your head than it is in real life. Talk to yourself for long enough and you'll begin to believe anything you think. I didn't do this, but leaving God out of it is a big bonus. I mean, the goal here is to create emotional havoc - don't let Someone constructive get in the way.

Fourth, make sure she shows up four hours late. I don't know how to work this, but I can tell you it sure helps throw you off your game, and is a great assist on putting the finishing touches on Step #3.

Fifth, start off by talking about the past. This might be a result of Step #2, or it might be your own idea - either way it works wonders. It seems like a safe play going in, but it puts your own uncertainty and emotion on display, and can cast doubt on your entire friendship. Apparently I was remarkably successful in this, and I managed to largely ruin the great times we'd had together, without even intending to. Brilliance, I tell you, brilliance.

Sixth, don't be simple or post a single understandable question. All your preparation is for naught if she easily understands what you're asking and gives you a clear answer. You might, God forbid, move on and continue to be friends.