Character over Career

As my regular readers know, I was turned down last month from six excellent graduate schools where I had applied to pursue a Ph.D. in Economics. I'm ok with that, really. I think Rural America put it best when she said, "God tends to close the door hard on you." My nose is a little sore, but I'm confident that He has my best interests in mind.

The upshot is that I've completed my last final exam, and I'm still looking for work. I have a good lead in D.C., but we'll see where that goes.

In not only looking for a job but deciding on a meaningful, medium-term career or continuing education path, I have been seeking God's guidance. Early on, He made it clear that, in the words of a sermon I heard not too long ago, "God is more interested in your character than your career." This had a serious shock-value impact on me; I've always been good at the big decisions and bad at the small ones - which are really what comprise character.

Perhaps it shouldn't be a surprise that I can't pray about my career or seek guidance very much. It seems whenever I sit down in the living room or go up to my roof to pray, my prayers quickly get 'sidetracked' onto character issues, even though I arrived with the purpose of praying about jobs or for guidance. I end up praying long and strong that God would form the image of Christ in me, which seems so absent, even foreign. In prayer, I compare my own heart to I Corinthians 13, the great Love passage. My life reflects a lot of virtue for the sake of pride: I do (and don't do) many things because I know that's what is expected by society at large and my church subculture in particular. Beyond that, I have virtue for the sake of virtue - I'm very conscientious at work and I feel guilty if I'm not working fast because I have personal - prideful - standards that include work ethic. This is partly just personal pride and partly a desire to be good because I know God expects it of me. While there may be some 'good' in this, legalistic virtue is nothing to bring up before the throne of God. So I ask, If He doesn't want socially motivated virtue, and He doesn't want virtue for virtue's sake, what does He want? And I think the answer is there in chapter 13. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Do I consider others above myself? Never. While I place a high value on loyalty and commitment, I rarely think of friendship as something I would ever invest in or continue for the other person's sake, unless it's someone whom I explicitly "pity", in which case friendship becomes a "virtuous sacrifice". The idea of thinking automatically of another person's needs is really rather foreign; as an economist, I'm a champion of knowing how my own "enlightened self-interest" intersects with that of others and of society. But to act independent of my own interest? I can't think of a single instance.

Looks real ugly in zeroes and ones, doesn't it?

God thinks character is more important than career. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that He's nudging me to pray about the really important stuff then.

"Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?' or "What shall we drink?' or "What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." - Matthew 6:31-33